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2003-04-08 - 4:11 p.m. So...how goes it? It's been quite sometime since I have been on here. I havent had much drive here lately in my life nor have felt like i have had any direction. First let me catch you up to date. Josh is back in the Rock. He is staying with me. He has a great job. Its been great. SO why am I unhappy? Unhappy isnt the word. Unsatisfied maybe? I feel like I am this meaningless little existence that has no purpose nor place where I belong. Everyday I get up and do the same thing I did yesterday. I am so sick of this repetitiveness. Since he came back I have not hung out with my friends like Chad and Waleed in so long! We are together everynight. Today he told me he may stay at his friend Joe's house tonight. For a moment I panicked. WTF!!! I dont want to be some wimppy pathetic loser who is dependent on my BF whom I can't trust...talk to ....ANYTHING. I live out of fear. Fear of everythign youc an imagine. I create my own misery cause I wont stand up and do what will make me happy cause I am scared so I stick to what I know. I sad really. I want to be free....travel....go to some festivals....meet some new people...get the hell out of here. But I wont...and in 10 years I will look back at my life and kick myself and I will live liek that forever. I will be lowest middle class....with too many kids that all they do is pick their boogers and wipe them on other kids (you remember those from elementary school...those that even at graduation you still coudlnt shake their hand, married to god knows whose loser, and ultimately a FAT COW DOG! My best friend in the whole world that I misss more than sex....Nicole....now she has the right idea. She is doign what she wants and living it up. She is doing what I wanted to do....and she asks me all the time to come hoem and I wont. Cause I am nothing but a little scardy cat. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO??????
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